Back to school

Been a weird year so far. Traveling, unemployement and school along with a world which is rapidly changing. Been pretty stressful and crazy but I have learned a few things about life, myself and my family.

I found a direction in life and started my journey this semester. Hopefully things will go well. Definetly nervous and have no idea what I am in for. Learning something which has always made me nervous. Computer network configuration and security. Supposedly all logic, which I better at then most things, well in my opinion anyway.

Soon I shall rule ALL the computorz muahahahaha



- Posted using My very own fingers

Testing out a new application

Heeeyyyy, got this nifty little app called BlogPress. I absolutely recommend it. Very easy to use and set up. It allows you add picasa,facebook, twitter and youtube accounts as well, for updating and ect.
Think this one is a keeper. So many horrible blog apps out there wanting to steal your hard earned cash. BlogPress tho, is more then worth the few dollars it costs.
EEEEEEE blogging just got easier.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:kitchen

out of sorts

Not feeling like myself today. not doing as much twitching today as yesterday but now I don't feel like myself. I hate this part the most. It's like the true me is stuck somewhere inside my head and my body refuses to do co-operate with me. It and the part of my brain that isn't "me" just want to sit silently and stare, because sitting and staring feels good. No spasms or twitches of the body and no irritation to my brain. But I cannot just do that, I have to fight to be living. But it is almost painfull to my brain and my body gets exhausted from all the muscle spasms and cramps.
Mostly I hate this part as it gets hard to keep up a conversation or pay attention to anything. Writing this is driving my brain up the wall. My left hand doesn't really want to type but i make it, so now the muscles in my arm and fingers are beginning to cramp.

I don't want to sit still or lay down, I try to do stuff so I feel that I am contributing, that I am worth something. I want to live my life unhindered by this, but trying to do so makes everything worse and at most I get a day or two a month where I fell energetic and normal.
Yes it's a pity party today, but I am alone most of my time and going anywhere envolves me weighing the consequences against the benefits every time. I try to go for walk, work in the gaden a little bit, it wears me to pieces most days. Always exhausted. It is hard to keep up conversations as I always forget what I am saying or about to say. So I try not to start to many lately. Can't get stressed, upset, excited or tired..basically cannot live without loosing myself. Broken heart, broken mind, broken soul.

I don't know how I am going to be able to hold a job being like this. Going back to school...for what? So I can be stuck at home with migrains and a body that won't function right. No one would put up with that. I went from being independent to being a miserable wreck of a human being. This is definetly not good for my pride. This is nothing to compared to others, I know, so I try to keep my chin up. But my world is about how I view life and this is the view I have and at times I need to groan about it to be able to keep on going. It just seems to be getting a bit harder lately.

The twitches and Magic Street

And the twitches and numbness has returned. The numbness is weird, it is more of a feeling that part of my body is missing. Each time i use my arm or leg or something touches them is a reminder to my brain that it is still there and it causes my body to just go haywire. It is a constant irritation, like an itch on your nose that if you scratch will cause the rest of your face to itch and twitch. Typing this is causing me to jerk around and making my brain scream to stop. But me, I who own this body, have decided that my brain can stick it where the sound don't shine...on a second thought that would probably be MY sun don't shine place..but you get the gist of it. I will write if I want too. So there! :þ

Listening to "Magic Street" by Orson Scott Card which I downloaded as an e-audiobook from the library. It has captured my attention, I am enraptured with it already and I am only on the first chapter. This was tagged as a a young adults book but whoa! If this is a young adults book I need to read more of them cause it is AWESOME! READ IT..READ IT NOW! Actually NO...get it on audiobook the reader is fantastic.
Btw, if you haven't discovered audiobooks yet, you need to. I love them. Keeps you entertained while doing boring stuff like exercise or housework or even whatever you do for a living. Especially good for those of you like me who take forever to read a book :)

Family...more accurately mothers!

You can choose your friends but family is forced upon you. Pleh.

My mother would rather buy gifts for people whom she thinks loath her to buy their love then help her son keep a roof over her grand childs head. My brother is a great person, he has fallen on some hard times and my mother is her usual self. When he or I are in need of help she can never help or she will help as little as possible, often not brining her husband in on it. Why? Because her husband would blow his top off he knew that she was allowing her children to starve, let alone her grandchild. I have been at the other end calling to ask for a little bit of money so I could eat and all I got was smugness and a "oh I don't know if I can afford $20" when she had just finished telling me they got a bunch of money from a refinance on the house and she was going to go furniture shopping and then they were going to the casino. I was out on my ass penniless because of her and she takes the opportunity to kick me while I was down. When I talk about it she just laughs like it was funny and oh that was so long ago. I was 5 foot 6 and weighed 110 pounds at my heaviest, I ate white bread and milk for breakfast lunch and dinner. And she whines that her mom was mean to her. Guess I know where she got it from.

Why does she feel the need to be so mean to me and my brother? who is this woman, where did she come from. How can she be the mother of such intelligent and kind children?

New perspective.

Read this brief article today:

http://therawness.com/myth-of-the-ghetto-alpha-male/

and realized how right it is. I know a lot of women will be furious about this and might feel they are being portrait as bad mothers or as emotional grunts, but that is not true. It is just brutally honest about what is going on. Think I need to read those books.

Hope.

People keep telling me not to loose hope. I respond "What is there to hope for?" The human race has become a virus and is slowly killing everything worth while hope included. Greed is wiping out thousands of animals and plant species for profit. Greed is starving children and selling them into slavery, most appalling being the sex market.

What is wrong with this race? Why do they choose to be blind? With all this crap going on people want me to hold on to hope! Things are getting worse, everyone is closing their eyes and their ears because we all know, we are out of controll and we are just sitting and waiting for either someone to save us from ourselves or something to exterminate us. I think many are hoping for world destruction because we all know that nothing and no one can save us. We are way passed the point of salvation and we all know it. Look at the human race. It is so polluted and diluted with stupidity and ignorance that to save it over half of it has to be terminated.

This is what happens when natural selection is taken out of the picture and when the intelligent but weak allow the stupid strong arms to be in power. I have nothing but disdain for my race and myself included. I feel dirty being human, having to have to group myself with some of these morons that walk this earth beside me. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel that I am anyones superior. I just come from a country that pride themselves on being well educated and tuned in to the world, or at least they used to. Why can't humanity, in the process of destroying itself, leave the rest of the life on this planet out of it. The other species of this planet are only innocent victims of our selfishness.